Helping children through the loss of a pet can be a challenge.
It can be tempting to shield children from the “adult” experience of death, however depending on the age of the child, there are varying ways in which children respond to the loss of a family pet. Here are some typical reactions:
Two to three year olds have not yet lived long enough to have an understanding of death, so they may not react with overwhelming feelings. At this age, children will sense what their parent is feeling and may copy those emotions. It’s important to tell a child that the pet is gone, keep up with routines and demonstrate a normal response to the loss.
Four to Six year olds have some understanding of death but may not comprehend the finality. They might feel they are at fault for the death and their feelings may manifest in symptoms such as bed-wetting or changes in eating and sleeping habits.
Seven to nine year olds understand that death is forever and may be curious about it. Their grief may be expressed in somatic symptoms or acting out behaviors and aggression. These children need to be reassured that they did not do anything to cause the death
Ten to eleven year olds react to death in a more adult way and understand that it is a part of life. The death may trigger memories of previous losses.
Adolescents react as adults do, although they may have extreme reactions ranging from no reaction to overly emotional. Adolescents are likely to want to support of peers and may not want to listen to their parents’ suggestions about how to express grief.
When speaking to children about death, it is important to meet the child where they are at and be as honest as possible, using language that they can understand based on their age.
Check in with your child to gauge their level of understanding and their perception of the death. Offer reassurance and try to normalize the death for your child, teaching that death is the normal ending to life. Because children may not have the words to express their feelings, it’s important to be extra sensitive and be sure not to trivialize the pet’s death or your child’s response to it.
It may be helpful to inform your child’s teacher about the loss so that the teacher can offer extra attention and peers may be able to offer support. Sometimes speaking to a veterinarian can be a chance for an older child to ask questions about the pet’s death. Animals can offer a healing experience, so a visit to an animal shelter (with the clear parameter that you won’t be adopting a pet at this time, but rather just paying a visit) can be a soothing experience and a springboard for your child to express his/her feelings about the loss.
